A knee-popping couple of days

I'm floundering.

I got an extension for a paper and still couldn't do it. I just feel shitty and want to curl up and escape to my dreams. My body is in pain. Joints still. I don't know how to turn things around and push through. I'm afraid that the part of me that could do stuff is gone.

Last night I tried to finish the paper. By finish I mean actually write it from the ridiculous amount of half-written notes I have. I couldn't. I was anxious or numb, alternating. I went to campus and was scared by all the noises, and the silence. The people, the lack of people.

I was nervous that my dog would be upset. So I went home. And on the way got myself terrified. So many strangers everywhere.

And then I couldn't do it. I hate myself. But I couldn't do it. I could barely bring myself to look at the computer screen.

I'm floundering. And I'm really not ok.

And last night my cat scratched my dog's eye. We had an appointment scheduled anyway for other stuff this afternoon and I spent a fuck-tonne of money I don't have. He is on 4 different medications. Part of it is due to an underlying allergy. So I have to put him on a special diet with only one source of protein that he's never eaten before. Yup, it's kangaroo.

Hey Bella can you hook me up? ;-P

After the appointment we went to the waiting room and came across playmates of Mahihkan. So we walked to the dog park. When we were there my dog was running around with another and smashed into my leg. I have a fucked up knee from an old injury, and the knee just popped out of joint and popped back in and I was in excruciating pain sitting in a mud puddle. I was hit with a wall of nausea and felt dizzy.

A stranger went home and got her car to drive me home.

I need some help. I need someone to sit with me as I write my paper. I need someone to help me do my laundry and prepare food. I need someone to give me hope that all is not lost.