What am I even doing?

Dissociation has been weird. I lost a chunk of time last week that freaked me out and set things on a bit of a spin. For days I was startled by things I wasn't even quite aware of in my head or jump at slush under my foot, or the shifting face of a friend. A child is screaming "no no no!" in my head. Sometimes it is a whisper. But it keeps slipping out, when I'm not paying attention. 

I had to talk to a prof about not doing an assignment because my mental health fucked up and she was so kind and understanding. But it's like being listened to and witnessed feels so much worse somehow. Hurt children have woken up from their slumber and are screaming til they're heard. Being seen makes my feel sick to my stomach and scared. But also alive. 

I don't know what I'm doing. I've been faking being a normal student and I am not that good at keeping up the facade.